Friday, October 5, 2012

Bumpy road - no pun intended!

Mr. Pal & I have been trying to build to our family for almost 3 years now.  The first two years we tried on our own, but for the past year we have been going through fertility treatments.  It has been a bumpy road but we have grown stronger as individuals and as a couple.

I'm in awe still at my ability to inject myself with medicine for a week straight given my distaste for needles. Up until I was 21, my mom would come with me for blood work and hold my hand.  Yes, I was the child that screamed bloody murder at the sight of a needle and I was also the young adult with tears in her eyes holding her mom's hand while the nurse gave "just a pinch" to retrieve blood.  I have come a long way.

I'm in awe and the strength and sensitivity that husband shows whether it is to the hives I broke out in during a reaction to a new medication or to the monthly phone calls telling us that the procedure did not work. He is my rock and my crying shoulder.  I'm grateful that I have him during this difficult journey.

Life has become a roller coaster. I'm not where I thought I would be at this point in my life.  But again, I learned at 21 that life isn't always perfect when I lost my mother suddenly to a heart attack. I never thought for a moment that I may have trouble starting a family, even though my own parents had their share of struggles just to have me.  I was naive when I heard of other peoples struggles and offered the stupid advice of "just relax."  Yeah, I now understand that when you tell a couple trying to have a baby to just relax the last thing they can do is relax. It's totally easier said than done.

After a year of treatments, shots and let downs, we decided that maybe we need to talk about this with someone. I have a tendency to hold things in until I just explode. Well, I finally exploded and admitted I needed to talk to someone, so I searched out a therapist right in our area and Mr. Pal & I went to our first couples therapy.

Well, maybe "couple" isn't the right word.  See, within 5 minutes of being in this woman's office, she focused all her attention on to me.  Unfortunately, she wasn't looking to help with the issue I was dealing with.  Instead she focused on getting me to go out and meet people.  She suggested I volunteer or join a book group or a knitting group.  That's all well and great, but how will getting out help me with what I've been though and continue to struggle with?

As a woman, one of the first questions I'm asked when I meet another woman for the first time is if I have kids. Sticking me in a situation with many women all ready to ask the same question sounds like a bit of torture to me.  For the entire hour and a half she questioned my hobbies and requested a follow up on what outings I've gone on to meet people.  Whenever I tried to turn the conversation back to our infertility she side-stepped it and went back to encouraging me to "get out there."

I left her office feeling worse than when I went in.  Mr. Pal couldn't understand why he had to go if she didn't even address him.  We were back to holding each other up on our own and searching for someone new.
While looking for a new counselor I decided that I should give acupuncture a try.  I had heard about some success stories, although some of them took a while for the success to happen, I figured it couldn't hurt to give it a try.

I checked with my insurance and found someone in my area that would accept my insurance and dealt with infertility.  I was so excited! When I made my appointment however, I was advised by the receptionist that the insurance won't cover acupuncture if it's for infertility.  Whaaaat?! I seriously can't catch a break here! I double checked with my insurance company and they confirmed that they do not cover acupuncture if it's for infertility.  It needs to be for aches and pains only. Ugh!  Hmmm, maybe I should tell them that not being able to conceive is an ache and a pain! haha

With acupuncture now put on the back burner I turned my focus to finding another counselor, and I got lucky and found one.  She sounded so nice on the phone. The only problem was that she could only see us during the day. I said I'd call her back.  I called Mr. Pal and he was fine with a day appointment as long as he knew the date so he could request off.  I called the new counselor back & left a message saying we were fine with a day appointment and to let me know when she was available.

Well, she called me back today.  She informed me that she could not take me on as a client.  She is dealing with the same issues Mr. Pal & I were going to see her for and felt there was a conflict. I feel as though every time we are about to get ahead, we hit a bump in the road.  And not the bump we're looking for! (aka baby bump). The counselor did recommend someone else, so we'll see how that goes.

It's just frustrating to be on this road.  Each month at the start of a new fertility cycle we are both so full of hope.  You can't help but let your mind wonder if this will be the time we got a positive.  Each new cycle starts with prayers and fingers and toes crossed. By the time we go for our blood test we're almost blue from keeping everything crossed in hopes that we'll be given good news. For now I just hope that the road is flat for this rest of this month.  I'm beginning to worry all these bumps are gonna wear out my shocks!

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